Teenage supervision

Its not a good week to be a parent in the city in which I live. Parents have come under considerable criticism by the police and parts of the press, most notably Jane Marwick in today’s daily newspaper.

As 14 - 16 year olds end the school year they go to holiday resorts and some of them get drunk and so forth. Whilst these are undoubtedly the minority they attract attention from the police and the press. The police in particular are scathing of parents who they say are not taking any responsibility as they put it and letting these teenagers run riot.



One thing the police do not say is how it should be done differently. At some point the teenager has to be left unsupervised. That is how a young person develops a sense of responsibility. If you are supervising them then they are not being responsible for them self and thus can never develop a sense of self responsibility. Sooner or later you have to let them go and do it on their own.

I have been counselling teenagers and their parents for 25 years and I am not aware of another way by which a teenager can become self responsible without being left unsupervised at some point. If Jane Marwick or the police have some idea on how to do that I would be very interested to hear it.

At what point do you let them be unsupervised and to what degree - there is no clear answer. It varies depending on the personality of the child and the relationship with the parents. It is a very difficult path for parents to walk as often it is trial and error and involves changing the plan of teenager management as you find what works and what does not.



At times parenting teenagers involves two bad choices and it is a matter of picking the less bad choice. A strong willed 15 year old who is reacting against parental supervision can simply get up and walk out of the house. You cannot stop them. You can call the police who can find them and bring them home but then they just walk out again. This can only happen a certain number of times before they end up on the streets. A horrible scenario for parents.

Such a teenager is demanding to be unsupervised and most teenagers do this in varying degrees. When I counsel such parents and teenagers the parents again have to walk a tightrope. You certainly don’t want them being on the streets so you have to give them more unsupervised periods than you may like. The parent has to pick the lesser of two bad choices in order to maintain a relationship with the child and some degree of control. If those criticising these parents have a better solution I would be very glad to hear it.



As the relationship transitions from parent/child to parent/teenager a quality of bargaining and negotiation enters into it. Almost all teenagers will do this to varying degrees. If the teenager is of a complaint nature then it may be minimal. If they are of a strong willed adversarial nature then it can be very pronounced. At times parents have to let teenagers do what they don’t want them to do in order for the longer term goals to be achieved.

At some point parents have to let teenagers be unsupervised if they are to grow into functional members of society who can self regulate. Those unsupervised times often involve undesirable behaviour, that is how the teenager learns what is desirable and undesirable.

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Anger in my personality

Anger work - How anger is structured in my personality


My Parent ego state and anger

When my father was angry he would (Hit, withdraw and sulk, shout, swear, give a lecture, get sarcastic, eat, fight, get depressed and so on)

Say -

Do -


When my Mother was angry she would:

Say -

Do -




My Child ego state decisions about anger

When I was angry mother (father) would

Say -

Do -

Feel -

When I saw mother (father) angry I would

Say -

Do -

Feel -


What did your mother and father say about expressing anger. (OK, not OK, good, bad, time & place, men & women, etc)



As a teenager did you get rebellious and angry? If so how did you express it and how did the parent figures respond?

Summation of early decisions =



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The male teenager and pornography

My good blogger friend Linda wrote an interesting post on parenting the teenage boy. As I am currently preparing a workshop on child development I thought I would make a statement about it as it is something that gets presented to me as a counsellor from time to time. It is usually the mother who is more concerned than the father.

She may have found her teenage son has been looking at porn either on the computer or in some magazine. Occasionally a mother will present to me a drawing done by her son which is sexual in nature.

She comes to me concerned about this and wonders if he has some psychological problem. The problem for the mother compared to the father is she grew up as a girl and thus has no first hand experience on how the teenage boy’s mind work in relation to pornography. The father obviously does and thus is usually less concerned because most often there is nothing to be concerned about.


Should I be concerned?

Here I am only talking about the psychology of male oriented pornography. Some parents may object to pornography on moral, political or religious grounds, that is another matter that is not addressed here.

In the vast majority of instances there is nothing to be worried about and it is all perfectly normal. Teenage boys will find a way to access some kind of pornography, they have been for centuries. Either in their own home from father’s collection of playboy or some boy will have raided his father’s collection and it will be passed around the school yard for a few weeks. Or from the school library in a national geographic magazine. Some boy would have discovered a story on an amazonian tribe which has pictures of bare breasted native women in it.

Now of course there is internet porn. Even if you have protective soft ware on home computers how many children have lap tops they take to and from school these days that friends can look at. They can even access images on mobile phones.

As I have mentioned before men and women can have different responses to pornographic images and sex in general and thus mothers can find it hard to understand why there lovely little boy who is now a teenager suddenly wants to look at pictures of naked women and pictures of men and women having sex. Understandably so as they have never experienced it them self as a teenager.


Does a woman want to dine here?

They will want to know what it means and it really does not mean much at all. I have searched for a metaphor to try and help women understand the male psyche and pornography (and of course I am generalising here but I think I am talking about a large group of men). I think I have found one that kind of makes the point.

To men looking at porn is like eating an ice cream. When you buy an ice cream you’re not eating it because you need it. It’s not being eaten to avoid starvation. The act of eating the ice cream is not making a statement of some kind. It’s not an attempt to make a philosophical or political statement. It’s eaten because it feels good and that’s about it. Teenage boys discover that when they look at porn it feels good, so they do it and that’s about it.

Mother’s may ask if it will make their son a misogynist. Porn has never made a man a woman hater. That happens because the boy was beaten by mother or he saw father treat mother with no respect as he was growing up.

Yes it is important to talk to the teenager about it and make sure he realises that pornography is fantasy. Especially that women most often will not have the same reaction to it that he does. That women can have quite a different view of sex and that sex and relationships and love go together.


People can enjoy fantasy. It doesn't mean they actually want to do it.

Some men have no idea. I hear women tell me about some guy who is trying court her. So he sends her some internet porn and then is surprised when she suddenly wants nothing more to do with him. The teenage boy needs to realise that a woman’s reaction to pornographic images may be very different to his own. And of course you talk to the boy about the importance of respecting other people in relationships including women who you have a sexual relationship with.

On the other hand pornography can be quite a good lesson in sexual anatomy. It can show the boy what the various bits do and so forth. And if you find some porn he has been accessing you will find out if he is straight or gay. BUT don’t base your conclusions on just a few images he has been looking at

Some mothers fear this means their boy is becoming a sexual deviant. In the vast majority of cases this is not so. The reason why he looks at people having sex with animals is because he’s curious, The same can apply for gay porn. If he looks at images of group sex that does not necessarily mean that he wants to go and have group sex. There is a very big difference between fantasy and behaviour. People fantasise all sorts of behaviour that they will never do and never want to do in reality. What can be erotic in fantasy may not be erotic at all in reality.

From a psychological point of view one is looking for patterns and themes of behaviour. Over time what does the person find erotic and how exclusive is it. For instance if he finds S&M erotic over time and it is exclusive (ie he does not find other forms of sexual expression erotic) then he could be diagnosed as having a sexual deviation. Whilst this may be an interesting diagnostic exercise for psychologists to do it doesn’t actually mean anything.



S&M is not illegal in the country where I live so what’s the problem? The only problem he may have is finding a partner who is willing to engage in those sexual practises with him. If it is illegal like exhibitionism then there is also the legal issues the person has to deal with.

However what we are talking about here is a small group of men. The vast majority of teenage boys will look at a whole variety of different pornographic images and go onto to have a normal sexual relationship in a loving relationship with a partner.

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Highs, lows & life

I like it when an idea comes together. This post has its roots in two separate writings that are far apart but that I did just happen to read at about the same time. They worked as a catalyst for each other and bingo!! I ended up with this.

My delay in writing this is because it comes from a Parent ego state contract given to me by Kahless - yes it’s all her fault!

She wrote about her teenage years (see here) and then said that I had to because she did. She says that her teenage years were a bit boring. Well I must admit, from what she wrote one could conclude that but I suspect there were bits that she deleted or didn’t elaborate on that could have spiced it up a bit.

So I thought about my teenage years and what I could write. As I did this I also read a brief article written by a psychologist about what in essence amounts to a meditation and relaxation approach to therapy. It stated that when ever one had a negative emotion (she actually used that phrase) like anger or sadness or fear then one can basically meditate it away, and she describes how that is done.

This disturbed me and made me question what I do as a therapist.

My teenage years weren’t boring, like some others may have been. It was charged with a lot of highs and a lot of lows (and a few mediums as well). There were not a lot of dull moments and there was plenty of action both physically and emotionally. The good times were great and the low times were sometimes very low.

Then I thought, well if I successfully did the meditative therapy as suggested by this woman then there would be very few low times. I would of only had highs and mediums in my teenage years.

OMG!! Is that what I am doing with my clients? I hope not.

But then I was left with another conundrum. As I reflected on my teenage years I felt good about them because there were highs and also because there were lows. I wouldn’t want a life where I only had highs and mediums so I felt good about the lows as well. It made me feel like I had lived that part of my life such that it had texture and varied experience which is what I want in my life. It gave me a feeling that my life at least at that time had some depth and was full flavoured. I liked that.

But then came the conundrum. The low times gave my life some depth and also it allowed me a more fuller and complete understanding of the highs and the mediums. If I had never had any lows then my understanding of the highs and mediums would be limited and one dimensional.

Upon reflection I was glad that I had had the lows but at the time of the lows I was not glad at all and wanted the lows to go away. If I had successfully done the mediative therapy then I would have achieved that but then on later reflection my life would only have highs and mediums and thus be one dimensional and boring.

So are the lows a good thing or a bad thing?

As a therapist am I stopping clients having lows so their lives are more one dimensional, lack a depth and rich texture?

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The teenage client and conflict - Part 2

In working with teenagers on comes across the Rebellious Child transaction.

Not uncommonly the teenager will make a RC transaction to the parents and is in one way looking for a Parent ego state response. Some parents do respond from the CP and get locked into this type of battle with the teenager. It is not uncommon for parents to bring their teenager to counselling with this type of transaction occurring. This type of transaction between parent and teenager can go on for long periods of time

However, how the parent actually responds is a matter of choice and they have a whole variety of possible responses. They can respond with:

Critical Parent (CP-)

Controlling Parent (CP+)

Nurturing Parent

Adult

Conforming Child

Rebellious Child

Free Child

At this juncture I will only discuss the Critical Parent ego state (CP-) response and not go into the pros and cons of the six other types of transactions, their possible uses and so forth.

If the parent-teenager dyad gets locked into Rebellious Child - Critical Parent repetitive transacting then one is confronted with a relationship that has conflict as its basis. As a therapist it is germane to keep in mind some of the features of relationships that are based on conflict. More precisely what are some of the psychological features of conflict. What I am describing here refers mainly to interpersonal conflict between two or three people. However as social psychology shows us there are many similar features in conflicts between groups of people (ie nations).

Features of conflict

Conflict and escalation - It is easier to escalate that de-escalate conflict. One can use the metaphor of a canyon. It is easier to climb down into the conflict canyon than it is to climb out of it. Some of the reasons for this are listed below.

Zero sum thinking - One side’s gain is the other side’s loss. These people have a belief in a win-loss outcome to conflict. When this happens the parents and teenager can forget to look for win-win solutions and usually both sides end up loosing in the end. Also with zero sum thinking both sides will tend to automatically see the other sides motive as aggressive. This can involve projection. If the teenager is thinking of beating his parents then he will tend to automatically assume they are thinking the same way.

Quick fix solution - As conflict progresses and escalates both sides will tend to focus on a single solution to the problem. A parent may say, “If he would just speak to me nicely then things would be much better”. Or the teenager may think, “If they let me stay out with my friends it would be better”. Both parties start to think in terms of a simplistic solution and it often becomes the battleground. The teenager and the parent argue about him staying out with his friends.

From a therapy point of view one can easily draw the transactions for the parents and teenager showing the relationship dynamics behind the conflict. Hopefully they will take some of it in.

Partisan perceptions - In conflict both sides are often ego centric in their perceptions. They view their behaviour as more benevolent and legitimate. Each side often assumes that the other sees its behaviour in the same favourable light.

Mirror image - this results from “worst case scenario” thinking which can result in a self fulfilling prophecy. If I think of the worst case scenario that can lead me to expect that the other side will act unfavourably and seek the worst outcome for me.

Group think - Parents can support each others thinking about the conflict and play the game of ‘Ain’t they awful’. The parents can express similar thoughts and feelings about the teenager which lead them to believe that their views and actions are right because some one else agrees with them. (ie the ‘group’ thinks similar things). Of course teenagers also do this when they get together and tell each other how awful parents are.

Conflict spirals - Each side sees the other as having ‘started it’ and they are merely reacting to the aggression of the other. This can also be used to justify escalating the aggression of the response as one sees self as the innocent victimised party.

Punishment and suppression - In conflict there can be the belief that if you punish the other side for its aggression this will then suppress future aggressive behaviour by the other side. This rarely happens as the other side is usually thinking the same thing.

Entrapment - Further involvement in the conflict is justified on the basis of past investment and loss. The teenager may think, “I have stood up to my parent for 2 days, so I can’t stop now or it would have all been for nothing”.

As one looks at these aspects of conflict one is drawn to notice the whole ego centricity of it all. What you would expect of a couple of 6 year olds in a play ground having a fight. There is very little interest or investment in seeing it from the others point of view and having the belief that I may be wrong in part. Our nations leaders are a prime example.

From a counselling point of view this is a key factor in the resolution of conflict between two people, in this instance the parent and the teenager. We all have a 6 year old Child ego state in us so we will all think and behave in the ways I have just described. We all have an eye for an eye thinking in us:

“You hurt me, so I hurt you back” (Child ego state)

If this can be changed to

“You hurt me, so how did I contribute to you wanting to do that” (Parent and Adult ego state)

Obviously much easier said than done but if achieved the conflict will be brief and tend to not escalate.

Most teenagers will do Rebellious Child transacting around parents and authority figures like teachers and therapists. This is inevitable and psychologically a good thing. In working with them in therapy if one can communicate some of these features of conflict that can then assist to reduce the intensity and duration of the conflict. Thus raising the awareness of the various aspects of thinking in a conflictual relationship.

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The teenage antiscript

Eric Berne in his book “What do you say after you say hello” talks about the Antiscript. Here is a diagram of the antiscript. The person is born, makes his early decisions, chooses his life position and then is on the path of his life script. Some simply stay on that path and live their life following their script to its conclusion. Others when they reach adolescence veer away from the life script path onto the path of the antiscript. At this point they stop following the life script, rebel against it and stop living by their injunctions and drivers given by the parents.

This will include the Rebellious Child ego state doing the opposite of the script programme as well as the Free Child trying out new non-script bound behaviours, feelings, attitudes and decisions.

The antiscript in adolescence usually lasts about 5 to 6 years and then we have the most important part of the antiscript process. When the teenager starts to get to the end of their antiscript period what do they do then? The main question is how much do they just swing back to the life script path and live that life out. This is where the counsellor can be of considerable use to the teenager. At that point where the antiscript period is ending.

Some people swing back 100% to the life script path and spend the rest of their days living it out. Others swing back in varying degrees, that is they use the experience of their RC rebellions and their Free Child experimentations of the antiscript period to make non-script bound decisions on how they want to live their life. Using various therapy techniques the counsellor can help the teenager at this time in this way. From what I have seen most often the therapeutic opportunities afforded by the antiscript process are lost in counselling as the counsellor does not seize the moment to the advantage of the adolescent.

Some people spend much longer periods in the antiscript and will live a life style that is very contrary to what the parents programme was for them. For instance the man whose parents groomed him to be an accountant ends up living like a feral in the bush on a commune, living off the land. He does not swing back at all to the life script and stays stuck in the antiscript which can last for many years.

The other thing the counsellor needs to be advising is for the teenager to avoid making major life decisions whilst in antiscript. For instance never choose a marital partner whilst in antiscript. My suggestion is that for Australia conditions never get married before the age of 25 years. The swing back from antiscript to script can be quite rapid and involve quite a marked change in personality, life goals and so forth. In a matter of 12 months a person can change quite dramatically on occasion. The person you married may all of a sudden go through major changes in their views, attitudes and goals of life.

This also applies in a choice of career which people in their late teens and early 20s are often considering. Letting the teenager know that they have time to choose and indeed may try a variety of occupational paths before ending up with the one they want. This can be a problem for some parents who want the child to get on a career path by age 19 when they go to university, take up a trade and so forth. The counsellor of the teenager can find it difficult going because of difficulties with the parents of the teenager rather than the teenager.

After the antiscript period ends once again people will continue on their life path with much less disruption to the person’s life script that occurred with the antiscript. Sometimes however there can be another period of antiscript disruption later in life. For some men this occurs with the mid life crisis.

The man has spent the past 20 years being responsible, working diligently, doing the right thing by supporting the family and so forth. At around 40 he realises this, looks at the next 30 years of his life and sees the same looming for him. For some this can be very disturbing such that they again move into an antiscript period. He leaves his wife, starts dating women half his age, buys a sports car, starts going to night clubs and hanging out with the ‘tragic’ singles set. He is doing the same as the teenager in that he realises what his life script is and is making a loud and unsophisticated attempt to alter it and veer onto a different life path.

From a therapy perspective the goals are the same as for the teenager. With the use of various therapy techniques the man is afforded the opportunity to use the experience of his RC rebellions and Free Child experimentations of the antiscript period to make non-script bound decisions on how he wants to live his life.

As with the teenager from what I have seen most often the therapeutic opportunities afforded by the mid life crisis antiscript period are lost in counselling as the counsellor does not seize the moment to the advantage of the middle aged man.

The key from a counselling point of view for any antiscript period is when the person is coming to the end of it one uses it to the therapeutic advantage of the client in the ways that I have described. Indeed there are many therapeutic interventions the therapist can use with the client when they are in the heights of the antiscript process that will also assist when the antiscript process is coming to its closure.

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