I never know what to say.

Here is the picture of my first born.

He lived six and a half months and then died.

It happened again yesterday and it is a bit of a dilemma for me. Someone asked how many children do I have. I have 3 sons like on the TV show, My three sons! One is deceased and two are alive and well.

What do I answer to that question of how many children do I have. I most often say two but on occasion I will say three. I feel that to say I have two children is very dismissive of my first born. He was conceived, born and lived on this planet, not for very long but he did live on this planet. To say I only have two children in my mind completely ignores him and that he did live his life. I don’t want to do that to him. I want to honour his life.

But if I say I have had three children then that usually leads to supplementary questions that require explanation. If I have just met an old friend in the street and having a brief catch up conversation one does not really want to get into such matters on the kerbside.

So, I never know what to say.

At his funeral there was a bit of a heart starter situation as well. As we arrived in the car at the chapel the funeral guy following asked if I wanted to carry the coffin into the chapel. It was only two foot long. This was not planned and surprised me but I said yes. I picked up the coffin and as I walked up the few steps I tripped on one of them. The coffin almost fell out of my arms. If it had it is quite possible he would have rolled out along the floor!

After it is all over you go back two days later to pick up the ashes from the crematorium. They come in this grey plastic box which I thought was a bit drab. They could at least put them in something swish. Later on my wife and myself separated and we had to decide what to do with the ashes. We thought about taking half each, but there is something not quite right about that.

Anyways I let her have them and tells me that she still has them. She has promised not too do anything with them without consulting me and I trust her to do that.

Well that was a brief wander down memory lane

Graffiti